This is probably the question I hear most often in my work as a therapist - and it usually comes loaded with two assumptions: that a sex life is supposed to look a certain way, and that everyone else is having a different kind of sex than you are.
It's easy to see where those assumptions come from. Social media, pornography, and cultural messages all paint a very particular picture of what sex is supposed to look like - how often, with whom, and in what way. Most of those pictures have very little to do with real life.
There's no such thing as normal
After years of working in this field, I can say honestly: there is no normal sex life. "Normal" should be defined by the people having it, based on their own wants and desires - not on what they feel they should be doing.
It's also worth saying that normal isn't static. Sex lives shift across a lifetime - the arrival of children, hormonal changes, menopause, stress, illness, and ageing all have an impact. A sex life that looks different to how it did five or ten years ago isn't a broken one. It's just a changed one.
Frequency isn't the point
Some couples have what others might consider a lot of sex, and still want more. Others have sex infrequently and are completely content with that. There is no set frequency that makes a sex life valid or satisfying - and this is just as true for people who are single or who have a fulfilling solo sex life by choice. A sex life doesn't require a partner to count as one.
The same is true of the kind of sex people have. Some couples centre penetration; others barely engage with it. Some enjoy kink; others prefer something more sensual. What matters far more than any of this is whether the sex you're having is the sex you actually want - not the sex you think you're supposed to want.
One of the most common difficulties I see in couples is mismatched sexual desire - where two people in the same relationship have genuinely different levels of interest in sex. This is incredibly common and often becomes a source of real distress. It doesn't mean something is fundamentally wrong; it usually means the couple needs support in finding a version of their sex life that works for both of them.
It's the impact, not the frequency
One of my previous supervisors used to say: if it's not a problem, it's not a problem. I've never forgotten it. I might work with someone who masturbates three times a day and finds it genuinely enhances their life, while someone else masturbates three times a week but feels troubled by it. It's not the frequency that matters here - it's the impact.
Getting support
If a sexual behaviour leaves you feeling out of control, involves risks that concern you when you're not aroused, is costing you money you don't have, or is affecting other areas of your life - that's worth exploring. It doesn't mean anything is abnormal. It just means something isn't working, and you deserve support with that.
And if you're carrying sexual shame, struggling to own your desires, experiencing pain or physical difficulties, or finding it hard to build a sex life that works for you both - support is available. Not because something is wrong with you, but because sometimes we all need a little help putting the pieces together.